Saturday, January 30, 2010

Mailbag, and fresh beginning


I got a letter from a little boy. It reads.
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Dear Hardcore Kiddie Smut,
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My mommy says Santa Claus makes all the toys at the North Pole with his elves. My toys say "Made in China" on them. China is not at the North Pole. What gives?
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Signed,

Little Timmy
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Dear Timmy,
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Santa Claus used to make the toys at the north pole, but he no longer does so. Santa Claus is just like Jesus, he is an American and he hates labor unions. Americans like Santa Claus outsourced all their manufacturing to China years ago. Besides, Chinese make better workers. There hands are not big and gangly like Caucasian hands, nor do they have stubby fingers like midgets, er. elves
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Fresh Beginnings
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Hi all, I would like to welcome you to this new blog. My last blog, kinda sucked. Some of the same basic rules of engagement apply though.
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1.
This blog promises to be even more depraved, yet still provocative and relevant than the last one. For this reason, the blog will be anonymous. I might have a career one day and future clients and/or bosses may not want to read rants about midgets and retards.
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2.
This blog is racist, sexist, homophobic, elitist, atheist, homophobic, pornographic, puritanical, obscene, boring, and immature. I may use awful words like shit, piss, fuck, cunt, motherfucker, cocksucker, tits and vis a vis. I may even drop a nigger bomb here and there just to make the mood more festive.
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Call me what you want, but I will not respond to criticism if you label me with terms that end with the suffixes "ist" or "ic." I will respond if you point out a flaw in my logic or a faulty factual proposition in my argument.
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3.
I promise not to fill this blog with useless shit. Too many people post inane crap on sites like twitter and facebook. You will not here me talk about how I went out for tacos for lunch today or how I bought a new pair of shoes, unless something really fucking cool happens.
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When I say really fucking cool, I mean really fucking cool. If the tacos I eat are so good they make me want to go home and jerk off to my own shit, it probably won't be worthy enough for this site. However, if I see Stephen Hawkings at the taco shop and he gets up out of his chair and jerks off, I will report.


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I will keep the bitching to a minimum. Times are tough and we are all in the shit these days. I for one do not want to hear people bitch and whine and you will not hear that here. The web is full of whiners. Especially, Haitian whiners.
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Yeah, I am calling you out Haiti! Your country's problem is not an earthquake. The earthquake was like a fart in a sewer, an acute unpleasant event that does not change the fact your country was a shit hole before the earthquake and it will remain a shit hole in the foreseeable future after the earthquake.

Here are some facts about Haiti
1. It is the only country in the Caribbean that has not found a way to make off tourism. Cuba finds a way to make money of tourists, even though Americans cannot go there.
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2. Haiti is the poorest NNDFTW countries in the Western Hemisphere. What does NNDFTW mean? NNFDTW stands for Non- No diarrhea from tap water. Why use the term NNDFTW?
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Fifty years ago, people used the term "third world" to describe countries that were shitty. These countries were "third" world because they were neither communist nor capitalist. This term fell out of favor. Partly because any term used to describe shitty countries is going to develop negative connotations. Also, it does not make sense to call a country shitty just because it is neither communist nor capitalist. For example, Scandanavian countries combine elements of capitalism and communism, but are not shit holes. Cuba is clearly communist and is also a clearly shit hole.

The term "developing nation" came about. The problem with the term is that some shitty countries are developing, and others are not. Vietnam and India are developing nations. Their economies are growing rapidly and in a few years time, they will no longer be shitty. Haiti is not a developing nation. Calling Haiti a developing nation is like calling a 55 year old midget "growing."
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This is why I use the term NNDFTW. In non-shitty countries, you will not get diarrhea from drinking the tap water. You may ask, why are using the double negative "N0-Non" in the term? This makes the term complicated. Why not just say there are "diarrhea from tap water" countries and "No diarrhea from tap water countries?"
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Well you see, some countries, like Haiti are so shitty they do not even have tap water. You cannot call them "diarrhea from tap water" because they do not even have tap water. That is why you must call them Non- "NO diarrhea from tap water."
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Well, I hope that clarifies things for you.