Saturday, April 17, 2010

USA #2 (or worse)

Before I start this post, I must discuss the difference between prescriptive and descriptive statements. Prescriptive statements describe the way the speaker thinks things ought to be. Descriptive statements describe the way the speaker thinks things actually are.
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To give an example, a person is horribly injured in an accident. His bones are crushed, he is bleeding all over the place, and little bits of his vital organs are splattered all over the pavement. His good friend says, "I hope he is alright." That is a prescriptive statement. The doctor that treats the person says, "the patient is going to die." This is a descriptive statement.
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USA is #2 or worse is a descriptive statement.
China is growing by leaps and bounds? Why, because they are like Clubber Lang in Rocky III...they have the eye of the tiger. The USA is like Rocky in the first Act of Rocky III...resting on its laurels, more interested in partying than putting in a hard day's work, and posing for the cameras.
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China is doing what it takes to be the world superpower. Its people work harder and are smart. Furthermore, the Chinese do not fuck around.
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About two years ago a couple Chinese businessmen were put to death for putting melamine in food. Their crime was not poisoning people, but making people question the quality and integrity of Chinese goods. China had to send a message to its people that compromising the country's economic future by making the world question the safety and quality of Chinese goods would not be tolerated.
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About a year ago, America's financial system collapsed. People's 401(k)'s were split in half. People questioned the integrity of the American financial markets, American banks, and American securities. The bankers that created this massive fuck-up were not put to death, but received multi-million dollar bonuses.
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Is USA going to sink to #2 (or worse). I think so. Even though some people at Goldman Sachs are being charged with Securities fraud, nothing is going to happen to them. They will probably weasle their way out of a conviction. Even if they do get convicted, nothing bad will happen to them. If a Black kid steals $100 out of a cash register at a 7-11, he will go to a prison where he can get shanked, fucked in the ass, or at least beat up. The Goldman Sachs guys won't even get jail time for stealing billions of dollars.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Coolness through the ages

As we get older our idea of what's cool changes. I am past 30, and have had time to reflect on what I though was cool through the ages.

Age 8
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When I was age 8, I though skateboarders were cool. When I got older I realized skaters were bumbs that hung outside 7-11 and tried to get you to buy beer for them. If they were really good athletes, they would have taken up a real sport like basketball.
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When I was age 8 I also thought Transformers and Thundercats were cool. If you still think they care cool, do not make the mistake of youtubing old episodes. You will find them disappointintg. Looking at old cartoons you liked as a kid through adult eyes is like looking at the thing you pulled home from a bar with sober eyes.
Age 18
When I was age 18, I thought going to nightclubs was the coolest thing ever. I would love nothing more than to wait an hour outside with the hopes my fake ID would get me past the rope so I can go inside and buy $15 budweisers. Now I know nightclubs suck. Someone has to pay me to listen to shitty techno music.
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And oh, by the way, DJ's are not musicians. You don't see me calling myself the next Spielberg because I popped a DVD into the fucking machine. So you shouldn't be calling yourself the next Mozart because you can play a vinyl record. DJ's calling themselves musicians is worse than skateboarders calling themselves athletes.
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Age 30
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Now that I am pastI don't know what to think is cool anymore. Right now I laugh at old farts who think motorized scooters are cool, but I am no better. I have given up beer bongs for Shiraz. I have given up twinkies after toking buds for the organic cookies my wife sometimes gives me after I take out the recycling.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Everything you wanted to know about shit......


Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Taking a Shit
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Taking a shit is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get until you stand up and behold the glory (or infamy) that came out of your bowels. It is often difficult to know the size of your shits until you stand up. There were times when I felt I had Shaq's arm dangling out of my ass, only to find out I shat Emanuel Lewis' pinky finger. There were times where I thought I barely farted, only to find something in the toilet that could make an elephant jealous.
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Next is the unpleasant surprise is the wiping part. Sometimes you have your shit together and it takes only a couple wipes to clean your ass. Sometimes you get a lot of stragglers or worse a mudslide between your cheeks that somehow manages to leave skid marks on your hand no matter how much toilet paper you use. You never really know until you run that first piece of toilet paper across your ass.
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A common problem associated with taking a shit is where you are going to take a shit.
Taking a shit at work raises several ethical and professional considerations. First of all, the work toilet is not like a dumpster in back of a supermarket, you cannot anonymously drop your unwanted children there without repercussions. This is especially problematic if your work toilet is unisex.
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Shitting at work can be unprofessional. On the scale of rudeness, I would not put taking a shit at work like taking a shit at a friend's house, but it can be up there. I cannot help but wonder how many clients have been lost and how many big deals have been blown because some employee took a howler at work before a client or customer used the bathroom.

II. Awesome link
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This is a video of an African American gentlemen getting arrested. There are some people that say that all African Americans are guilty of something. This African American is clearly guilty.....guilty of being a back-flipping, telephone-pole climbing, motorboating, 100% awesome little son of a bitch.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Getting Away with murder

As much as we would like to think justice is blind, some people in our society can get away with pretty much anything. We all know that rich people like OJ Simpson and Michael Jackson can get away with vile crimes, but they are not the only one.
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Take this story about a 90 year old guy that hit a kid with his car in a hit and run crash. The DA is still thinking about whether to press charges! Why? Because the guy is 90 years old. 90 year olds can do whatever the fuck they want.


Midgest can get a way with a lot of shit too. If I grabbed your girlfriend or wife's ass in a bar, you would probably punch my teeth out. If this guy stuck his cock in your woman's ass, you would not punch him. In fact, you would be the one rolling around on the ground....in laughter.
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Corkies can get away with a lot of shit, too. If I grabbed your girfriend or wife's ass in a bar you would probably.....
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You know who gets away with the most shit. 90-year-old midgets with Downs Syndrome. If Hitler was a 90 year old midget with Downs Syndrome, he would have won Nobel Prizes and have had synagogues named after him. If Jamarcus Russel was a 90-year-old midget with Downs Syndrome, not only would he have a higher passer rating, but he would also not be such a fucking bum.

The NRA says guns don't kill people, people kill people. They say if you took away all the guns, people would use knives.
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Did you ever wonder what would happen if we took away all the guns and all the knives? Well people would probably hit each other with sticks, right? Well what would happen if we took away all the sticks? Well people would hit each other with fists....right? Well what would people attack each other with if we could somehow remove all their fists?
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Well, here is the answer.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Mailbag, and fresh beginning


I got a letter from a little boy. It reads.
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Dear Hardcore Kiddie Smut,
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My mommy says Santa Claus makes all the toys at the North Pole with his elves. My toys say "Made in China" on them. China is not at the North Pole. What gives?
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Signed,

Little Timmy
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Dear Timmy,
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Santa Claus used to make the toys at the north pole, but he no longer does so. Santa Claus is just like Jesus, he is an American and he hates labor unions. Americans like Santa Claus outsourced all their manufacturing to China years ago. Besides, Chinese make better workers. There hands are not big and gangly like Caucasian hands, nor do they have stubby fingers like midgets, er. elves
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Fresh Beginnings
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Hi all, I would like to welcome you to this new blog. My last blog, kinda sucked. Some of the same basic rules of engagement apply though.
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This blog promises to be even more depraved, yet still provocative and relevant than the last one. For this reason, the blog will be anonymous. I might have a career one day and future clients and/or bosses may not want to read rants about midgets and retards.
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This blog is racist, sexist, homophobic, elitist, atheist, homophobic, pornographic, puritanical, obscene, boring, and immature. I may use awful words like shit, piss, fuck, cunt, motherfucker, cocksucker, tits and vis a vis. I may even drop a nigger bomb here and there just to make the mood more festive.
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Call me what you want, but I will not respond to criticism if you label me with terms that end with the suffixes "ist" or "ic." I will respond if you point out a flaw in my logic or a faulty factual proposition in my argument.
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I promise not to fill this blog with useless shit. Too many people post inane crap on sites like twitter and facebook. You will not here me talk about how I went out for tacos for lunch today or how I bought a new pair of shoes, unless something really fucking cool happens.
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When I say really fucking cool, I mean really fucking cool. If the tacos I eat are so good they make me want to go home and jerk off to my own shit, it probably won't be worthy enough for this site. However, if I see Stephen Hawkings at the taco shop and he gets up out of his chair and jerks off, I will report.


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I will keep the bitching to a minimum. Times are tough and we are all in the shit these days. I for one do not want to hear people bitch and whine and you will not hear that here. The web is full of whiners. Especially, Haitian whiners.
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Yeah, I am calling you out Haiti! Your country's problem is not an earthquake. The earthquake was like a fart in a sewer, an acute unpleasant event that does not change the fact your country was a shit hole before the earthquake and it will remain a shit hole in the foreseeable future after the earthquake.

Here are some facts about Haiti
1. It is the only country in the Caribbean that has not found a way to make off tourism. Cuba finds a way to make money of tourists, even though Americans cannot go there.
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2. Haiti is the poorest NNDFTW countries in the Western Hemisphere. What does NNDFTW mean? NNFDTW stands for Non- No diarrhea from tap water. Why use the term NNDFTW?
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Fifty years ago, people used the term "third world" to describe countries that were shitty. These countries were "third" world because they were neither communist nor capitalist. This term fell out of favor. Partly because any term used to describe shitty countries is going to develop negative connotations. Also, it does not make sense to call a country shitty just because it is neither communist nor capitalist. For example, Scandanavian countries combine elements of capitalism and communism, but are not shit holes. Cuba is clearly communist and is also a clearly shit hole.

The term "developing nation" came about. The problem with the term is that some shitty countries are developing, and others are not. Vietnam and India are developing nations. Their economies are growing rapidly and in a few years time, they will no longer be shitty. Haiti is not a developing nation. Calling Haiti a developing nation is like calling a 55 year old midget "growing."
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This is why I use the term NNDFTW. In non-shitty countries, you will not get diarrhea from drinking the tap water. You may ask, why are using the double negative "N0-Non" in the term? This makes the term complicated. Why not just say there are "diarrhea from tap water" countries and "No diarrhea from tap water countries?"
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Well you see, some countries, like Haiti are so shitty they do not even have tap water. You cannot call them "diarrhea from tap water" because they do not even have tap water. That is why you must call them Non- "NO diarrhea from tap water."
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Well, I hope that clarifies things for you.